Losing Jake -my forever dog
“And there will be times when your world will fall apart, when a beloved animal becomes lost, ill or has simply come to the end of their journey with you.”
I wrote those words on June 5, 2006, in the very first entry of the blog I had just begun. Little did I know that the following week my own world would fall apart when I lost my beloved dog, Jake, on June 14th.
I had said goodbye to many special animals over the years including Martha, the magical being whose loss would lead to the writing of my first book, For Every Dog An Angel.
But losing Jake, less than three months after the loss of my Mom to Alzheimer’s disease, and on the heels of another personal heartbreak, left me broken beyond belief. No matter where I turned I was unable to find a path that would lead me away from my tears.
“We don’t know what to do for you,” a kind-hearted person said. “Whenever someone loses a pet, we always send them YOUR book.”
So I began writing about my grief in my blog. I wrote about the overwhelming quiet in my home, as I realized that as much as I love my 4 cats, they don’t make anywhere near the same sound that one dog makes. The quiet in my home was…well…deafening.
I talked about letting go – how to do it with a loving heart, even if that heart is broken. I wrote about the occasional respites from my grief, when an unexpected smile would come and I would have “a good day.”
I learned that grieving is a journey. You are traveling down a road with only a vague idea of where you are going, and you have no idea how you are going to get there. And you are traveling alone, because grief is a personal, private process.
I knew Jake was watching over me throughout this journey, although he didn’t seem to visit anywhere near as often as Martha had when she left me in 1995. It took about a month before I understood why. Here’s what I wrote in my blog on July 16, 2006:
From the movie “Casper”:
“I know you’ve been searching for me. But you have to understand, you (and Kat) loved me so well when I was on earth that I have no unfinished business.”
It had been a long time since I saw “Casper” but I never forgot those words. They come at the end of the movie, when the spirit of Bill Pullman’s deceased wife appears to him and he is overcome with emotion.
Those words have been very close to me these past weeks as I mourn the loss of my dog, Jake. I keep expecting to sense his presence – under my feet at the desk, coming through the dog door, looking for me at the window. But I haven’t felt that he’s been around much, and at first it surprised me.
When I lost Martha, back in 1995, I was emotionally devastated and I did everything possible to hang onto her – both before she died and after. In the weeks and months following her loss she came to me all the time. She’d appear frequently in my dreams. I’d see visions of her everywhere. In fact, it was a very strong vision of her (floating peacefully in the arms of an angel) that would ultimately become the cover of my first book, For Every Dog An Angel.
When I looked back on how I tried so desperately to hold onto Martha I knew I had done the best I could, but I also knew in the future I would try to handle the end of my journey with my animal companions differently. It wasn’t my place to try to hold them back. What I needed to do was live my life with them so fully…so present…so well…that at the end I could let them go with love and grace. This does not mean without tears.
And that is how I think it is with Jake. He and I could not have done it any better. When the time came for him to leave me, I let him go…with no unfinished business between us.
But oh, how I miss him….